Emotional Independence
I recently had a moment of contemplation regarding emotional independence as a mother.
It occurred to me that I hadn't truly achieved this independence until later in life. From living with my parents to living with my husband and having children, I was always dependent on someone, or someone was dependent on me. I felt stuck in a never-ending cycle. However, this all changed when I finally found my emotional independence.
As I listen to other empty-nester mothers, I understand how important it is for us to be emotionally independent in order to allow our children to take off on their own. We can be there for our adult children, without having to lean on them for emotional support.
The quote from Dorothy Canfield Fisher resonated with me: "A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary." This quote is a reminder to be present in our adult children’s lives without becoming a burden or necessity. This ability to be such a mother requires us to have self-esteem and self-love, qualities that I approach with great care and intention.
I understand the temptation to deny oneself of being a woman in order to be the perfect mother who puts herself last. Unfortunately, this denial of being a woman before being a mother can create emotional dependence on our children, as we live through their lives without respecting our own needs or theirs. This can lead to too much curiosity about our children’s lives and the temptation to manipulate them into visiting or calling. We lose our self-esteem and self-love.
On our children's side, It can be difficult to feel free to live their own lives, as they may feel a sense of obligation to check in with us, to visit, or to call. Over time, these obligations can lead to resentment, and in some cases, estrangement.
I know, yes - it's how we were raised, with such a sense of responsibility and our mother always doing their best to make us happy. I've been there too, seeing my mom's sadness and depression when all her children were so far away. I felt her sadness when I left the home and had kids of my own, and wasn't able to visit her as often as she wished. I felt torn and guilty. But this painful experience helped me to think of what I would do for myself when it will be my turn to witness my own children fly away.
It is never too late to break free from a pattern that doesn't serve us and create a life that we truly desire. To begin this journey, we must start by recognizing ourselves as a woman first, not merely a mother, spouse, or title. To do this requires courage, strength, and a lot of heart.
Cultivating self-esteem and self-love is something that comes from the heart. It's not egoistic to do something just for ourselves, whatever brings us joy. Creating boundaries with our children is a key part of having a healthy relationship, respecting their privacy and independence while also making sure that we take care of ourselves and do not sacrifice our own happiness.
The most beautiful part of this is that when we become emotionally independent of our children, and they become independent of us, a wonderful relationship is formed, full of respect, love, and joy. A relationship that comes from the heart.